Impostor Syndrome

Honestly, I never thought I would ever have anything close to impostor syndrome. But this Semester I did. It all started when I realized that for a couple of my classes, if it were not to be for the EnorMous help I am receiving from preceptors, friends & technology, I would not be able to manage my courseload at all. I also realized the GPA some of friends have is at this point mathematically impossible for me to achieve. 

I guess it worsened off when I felt happy about my test score, only to find out it was below the 25th quintile... I still believe it was a pretty good grade, that happened to be below average. But there are also a lot of videos, readings & other things that I am not doing, because I don’t have the energy to do them. 

Am I learning? Yes, I think so. Am I learning as much as others? Probably not. “Comparisons are tiresome” said often one of my high school teachers. A better comparison I perform is with myself. Am a better version of myself than a few months ago? Am I a better version of myself than the semester before? Yes, I am, sometimes. But I hyperfocus on the things that I am worse now than before; the anxiety levels for example, are a bit over the top… 

Anyways, I’ve decided to post an entry on something I am still thinking about, something I haven’t figured out. Not because I am begging for advice or help. I don’t.  Writing and sharing is by itsef a valuable part of the figuring it out. I post it because I wanna normalize for myself, sharing & writing about things that are going on.