Closure

(End-of-year reflections, Part 1)

2022 is coming to an end, and I have a sweet flavor in my mouth. It is the taste of luck but is also the taste of my own choices. It is the taste of luck because I was surrounded, one more time, by caring and loving people. I was surrounded by privileges and resources, one more time. 

It is the taste of my choices because I took some hard ones. When I see my fingers to count the closest people around me, there is one I thought would be there forever, yet no longer appears. 

Did I make mistakes? Fuck yes. Do I regret them? I will be a fool if not. There was room to be responsible regarding the emotions of the other human being in front of me. If anything, I need to be better at handling uncomfortable endings. 

Cancel culture is rooted in the assumption that the other person does not deserve an explanation. I agree that closure is sometimes a gift to those who have acted wrongly. Ghosting is the punishment. But in many scenarios, both people will benefit from a hard thorough conversation in which blame and truths are told. Endings do not need to be short and polite. They shall be on occasion hard and sincere if we wish to recognize our own wrongs as well. 

About two years ago, someone had the kindness to explain to me what I did wrong in a friendship. It was a hard conversation. There were no generalizations about my personality or my worth as an individual. I was told, specifically, how my actions affected her. She took responsibility for her emotions. But it was clear to me how I could have acted differently.

I later reached out for a second closure, but she did not follow. For a long time, I thought she denied me closure because I did not deserve it. However, I was, for some reason, always at peace with that. Now I know why. She did give me closure, just not the one I wanted. Did I learn? Yes -It is an experience that has come back to me on many occasions and has guided me to act more responsibly than I would've had.

In the first part of 2022, I could've done my part for a better closure to happen. But I didn't play my part -I see it now.

^There are sensible scenarios in which closure is not given for fair reasons. I am aware of that, and I'd never expect anyone to put themselves in a situation that makes them feel unsafe.